How to Shoot People

The other day a friend of mine posted a picture on facebook. It was the cover of a book he was reading, titled "Understanding Exposure". Thankfully, he had included a caption about improving his camera skills, which cleared up a lot of questions I had about his choices in reading. Hey, it could have been about being outside in the cold...

This got me to thinking about some other terribly witty and horribly misleading titles for other books about photography:

How to Shoot People
Making the Most of the Negatives in Your Life
Framing Your Friends and Family
How to Flash Effectively

I could go on, but I think you've got the idea. These are honestly the things that keep me up at night.

Gourmet Dog Food

There are some things which I think are totally useless, and are just a pathetic excuse for people to spend extra money which could be put to better use helping the homeless or putting shoes onto third-world children.

For example: how about a product that cleans the inside of your dishwasher? Just in case you ever have guests over and you're too embarrassed to have them seeing the unsightly stains in there.

Or maybe a remote-control for your car stereo? Because let's face it, folks: that's just way too far to reach when you're driving.

Maybe you'd like to get a lifejacket for your dog (we know how clueless they are in the water) or a special tea-bag caddy so you preserve the soggy, used teabag for some later time?

I think my favorite useless product of all may be gourmet dog food. Come on, they're DOGS. Most dogs I know will eat anything. I once had a dog that ate a night light and the better part of a jar of vaseline. A dog will eat its' own poop, for crying out loud. How choosy could they be?

I'd love to see some truly thoughtful, useful products. Here are a few I'd gladly pay good money for:

• Hairspray with bug repellent.
• Self-cleaning toilets.
• Diet stuff that actually tastes good.
• A refrigerator for home use that has a clear glass door and a light switch on the outside so kids can see what they want and not sit in front of an open door for 5 minutes.
• Cars with compartments for handbags.
• Flying cars. Honestly, I'm beginning to think these will never show up.

For now, I suppose I'll have to settle for driving my regular, non-flying car. The one with no compartment for my handbag and a stereo nearly half an arm's length away.

Welcome!

I thought I'd try something new, and I can't sleep, so I've decided to try my hand at blogging.

This blog won't be about any one topic; I may write about anything: kids swimming in the toilet, my complete lack of cooking skills, or the time I nearly killed my husband with the garage door.

To begin with, let me just say thanks for taking the time to stop by and read this. About the kids swimming in the toilet: only one child ever tried this.

As I was sitting at the computer one day, being not-so-vigilant, my four-year-old came walking by. I noticed that one of her shirtsleeves was completely soaked, nearly up to the shoulder.

"How did your shirt get wet?"
"Swimmin'."
"Where were you swimming?"
"In the toilet."
"How were you swimming in the toilet?"

At this point, she mimed "swimming" by swirling her arm around inside an imaginary toilet bowl, with a huge grin on her face. She was obviously very proud of her new-found skill. Kudos to her for working out how to make maximum use out of a minimum of water.

It was also discovered, upon further questioning, that she had put all of her tub toys into the toilet as well. The more the merrier, right?

This is the same child who would not sit down while taking a bath until age 3, because she hated being in the tub so much. One day in a burst of inspiration I got the absolutely brilliant idea to put a bit of blue coloring into the water and told her it was a swimming pool. This seemed to solve our problem; she loves pools, which you might think would seem more threatening than a tub, but whatever. What the hell was I thinking?

Honestly, when going over dos and don'ts with my kids, using the toilet as a swimming pool never came up. It simply wasn't on the list.

So many things aren't, you know.  Self-stick stamps, for instance, are not a suitable substitute for tape (although the project you made is lovely, honey).  When I say to wash your hands with soap, I mean use water too. Pouring endless amounts of water onto the carpet inside your closet will not create a swimming pool, only a migraine for Mommy.

 And a new rule was created for me: no more cleaning tablets in the toilet tank that turn my water swimming-pool blue.