Long Haired Hippy Freak

My son had long hair. So? I am amazed and, I'll admit it, annoyed by the number of people who have some comment about this.
"He looks like a girl."
"He has long hair." This particular comment is so painfully obvious it drives me nuts. Do I go around telling people "I'm breathing," or "You're stupid,"? No.
"Why is his hair so long?" Is easily answered. He was growing it for Locks of Love, where people grow their hair to at least ten inches in length, then donate it to make wigs for cancer patients. But why is there a need to question his hair length in the first place? My daughter has short hair, but no one ever feels compelled to mention it.
So, here are many men who have long hair (and who, I'm sure, very rarely get stupid comments about it).

Movie stars:

Heroes:

Rock stars:

Athletes:

Historical Figures:

Why do we call boy dolls "action figures"?

Why do so many people stick out the tip of their tongue when they are concentrating on something? There must be some genetic reason for this since so many people do it, but I can’t figure out how sticking out their tongue helps to thread the needle or makes tying that shoe any easier.

Why are so many terms of endearment food names or food-related? Think about it: Cupcake, Honey, Sweetie-Pie, Muffin, Pumpkin, and Sugar. Come -Pie, Muffin, Pumpkin, /sSweetie-Pie, Muffin, to think of it, most of these are baked goods. I suppose I’d rather be referred to as something sweet than be called, say, Meatloaf.
Many things I wonder about. A few actually do keep me up at night; here are some highlights.

Why do girls’ toys have to be pink? And why do boys’ toys have to be dark colors with lots of violent action? Whoever decided what colors different genders like?  Why, for that matter, are girls toys geared toward things like cleaning house, cooking, child-rearing, or dressing up in a lot of glittery makeup and sparkly dresses, while most boy toys seem expressly designed to promote familiarity with weapons, racing and crashing cars, and emulating characters from the media who use violence as a means to solve problems? Why aren’t there any little boys shown playing with Barbie dolls in TV commercials? Why don’t they show girls playing laser-tag or using a remote controlled car? Why do we even have “boy” or “girl” toys in the first place? Is this the 21^st century, or what?

Why do we say “Bless you” when someone sneezes, but do nothing if they cough?

Why is it ok for women to wear pants, but not ok for men to wear skirts (unless you’re Scottish)?

Why do we call boy dolls “action figures”?

Why are there no last names based on women’s first names, but plenty of male last names? Michaels, Davidson, Jackson, Jeffries, etc. Even Kelly, which I thought might qualify as a female last name, is really just a boy name in Ireland (I think).

Why are there king and queen sized beds, but then the smaller ones are called full and twin? Why not princess or duke? And, in my opinion, twin really implies there should be room enough for two people. Totally misleading.

Last but not least, why can’t I seem to remember that as I get older, I become more sensitive to caffeine and that I shouldn’t drink any after 3 in the afternoon unless I want to be up all night ruminating about totally random things?

The secret ingredient is apathy.

I don't cook. This is not to say that I can't ever cook, but just that I hate to cook. I have never had the urge to "whip something up" in my kitchen. That's what restaurants are for. The only things I have made successfully in my kitchen are several small fires. I once screwed up Jello (yes, really). I can't for the life of me ever get excited about the prospect of making food.

Eating it, sure. I've even wondered how someone who clearly loves food as much as I do can not have an interest in cooking. I have cookbooks (Thanks, Mom) but they're really just for show. Turns out you have to have all these ingredients lying around. So they sit there taking up valuable space next to my microwave.

Which brings us to how we make most of our meals at home. Thanks to modern technology, we do not starve. We microwave. If it comes in a can, box, or freezer bag and has microwave directions on it, I will buy it. We buy an insane amount of frozen meals and prepackaged crap so that I do not have to cook. I taught my children how to use the microwave by the time they were big enough to reach the buttons. I have even made rice crispy treats in the microwave (total prep and cook time: 5 minutes).

There are some things I can and will cook. Pancakes, but from a box mix which only requires that I add water. Pancakes are sort of an instant gratification food (you can see the obvious appeal here), much like cold cereal or tap water. Scrambled eggs, grilled cheese, and pasta (with canned sauce) are other specialties of mine; and let us not forget a basic staple at our house: Hamburger Helper. Enough said.

One day, my hope is that science will figure out a way to improve on the time and effort required for cooking. Much in the same way that video and music technology keep getting more advanced with smaller devices, I look forward to the day when we have similarly cool cooking gadgets. Like the ones in Star Trek that just give you whatever you ask for out of a little door in the wall. Or better yet, those food pellet-pill things like the Jetsons had. Maybe this will be a reality by the time we have flying cars, but I'm still waiting for those to show up.

How to Shoot People

The other day a friend of mine posted a picture on facebook. It was the cover of a book he was reading, titled "Understanding Exposure". Thankfully, he had included a caption about improving his camera skills, which cleared up a lot of questions I had about his choices in reading. Hey, it could have been about being outside in the cold...

This got me to thinking about some other terribly witty and horribly misleading titles for other books about photography:

How to Shoot People
Making the Most of the Negatives in Your Life
Framing Your Friends and Family
How to Flash Effectively

I could go on, but I think you've got the idea. These are honestly the things that keep me up at night.

Gourmet Dog Food

There are some things which I think are totally useless, and are just a pathetic excuse for people to spend extra money which could be put to better use helping the homeless or putting shoes onto third-world children.

For example: how about a product that cleans the inside of your dishwasher? Just in case you ever have guests over and you're too embarrassed to have them seeing the unsightly stains in there.

Or maybe a remote-control for your car stereo? Because let's face it, folks: that's just way too far to reach when you're driving.

Maybe you'd like to get a lifejacket for your dog (we know how clueless they are in the water) or a special tea-bag caddy so you preserve the soggy, used teabag for some later time?

I think my favorite useless product of all may be gourmet dog food. Come on, they're DOGS. Most dogs I know will eat anything. I once had a dog that ate a night light and the better part of a jar of vaseline. A dog will eat its' own poop, for crying out loud. How choosy could they be?

I'd love to see some truly thoughtful, useful products. Here are a few I'd gladly pay good money for:

• Hairspray with bug repellent.
• Self-cleaning toilets.
• Diet stuff that actually tastes good.
• A refrigerator for home use that has a clear glass door and a light switch on the outside so kids can see what they want and not sit in front of an open door for 5 minutes.
• Cars with compartments for handbags.
• Flying cars. Honestly, I'm beginning to think these will never show up.

For now, I suppose I'll have to settle for driving my regular, non-flying car. The one with no compartment for my handbag and a stereo nearly half an arm's length away.

Welcome!

I thought I'd try something new, and I can't sleep, so I've decided to try my hand at blogging.

This blog won't be about any one topic; I may write about anything: kids swimming in the toilet, my complete lack of cooking skills, or the time I nearly killed my husband with the garage door.

To begin with, let me just say thanks for taking the time to stop by and read this. About the kids swimming in the toilet: only one child ever tried this.

As I was sitting at the computer one day, being not-so-vigilant, my four-year-old came walking by. I noticed that one of her shirtsleeves was completely soaked, nearly up to the shoulder.

"How did your shirt get wet?"
"Swimmin'."
"Where were you swimming?"
"In the toilet."
"How were you swimming in the toilet?"

At this point, she mimed "swimming" by swirling her arm around inside an imaginary toilet bowl, with a huge grin on her face. She was obviously very proud of her new-found skill. Kudos to her for working out how to make maximum use out of a minimum of water.

It was also discovered, upon further questioning, that she had put all of her tub toys into the toilet as well. The more the merrier, right?

This is the same child who would not sit down while taking a bath until age 3, because she hated being in the tub so much. One day in a burst of inspiration I got the absolutely brilliant idea to put a bit of blue coloring into the water and told her it was a swimming pool. This seemed to solve our problem; she loves pools, which you might think would seem more threatening than a tub, but whatever. What the hell was I thinking?

Honestly, when going over dos and don'ts with my kids, using the toilet as a swimming pool never came up. It simply wasn't on the list.

So many things aren't, you know.  Self-stick stamps, for instance, are not a suitable substitute for tape (although the project you made is lovely, honey).  When I say to wash your hands with soap, I mean use water too. Pouring endless amounts of water onto the carpet inside your closet will not create a swimming pool, only a migraine for Mommy.

 And a new rule was created for me: no more cleaning tablets in the toilet tank that turn my water swimming-pool blue.